Today as I was dropping my six-year-old child off at school, I frantically looked around while my stomach turned to lead. I had forgotten to put his backpack in the car this morning. It had been a busy morning and, somehow, I had packed everything else but had forgotten one of the more important items that was needed for the day. I had managed to remember it every school day for eight whole months but, today, I left it hanging on the hook where it usually rests right next to the front door, packed with a snack and all. I shamefully told my son that we (more accurately, I) had forgotten his backpack. He looked upset, but said "it's okay Mom."
I knew how he felt because, as a child, I was exactly the same way. I was easily upset and something like forgetting a backpack was absolutely devastating. But he handled it better than I thought he would. I, on the other hand, absolutely lost it once he was out of the car. I broke down. How could I forget his backpack? It is not like this was something new. We have been doing this the entire school year. What was wrong with me? I am a horrible mother!
It took me until I got to work to regain composure. While sitting in the car trying to get to the point where I could pass off my red, puffy eyes as seasonal allergies, I began to reflect on what had happened. Why in the world would something as relatively benign as forgetting a backpack bring out the emotional nut-job in me? I mean, it is not like I left a child at home. I had all children with me, all were fully clothed and I had even managed to feed them. So, what was it about a stupid backpack? He is in kindergarten. Backpacks are ancillary.
I then realized that it was not the backpack that had me in tears, it was the feeling of being a failure as a mom. We are not supposed to forget things, we are supposed to have our stuff together. Let's be honest, we are supposed to be perfect. Whether this comes from our own beliefs or gets thrown at us from every aspect of our society, mothers are not expected to make mistakes. No pressure there.
As moms, we typically do a lot to make sure that our family is functioning to it's highest ability. Making sure the kids are dressed and ready for school, making sure lunches are packed, the house is clean, and there is dinner on the table, making sure that everyone is still breathing at the end of the day, just to name a few. It does not matter if you are a stay-at-home mother or work inside or outside the home. It gets overwhelming. To loosely quote an Everclear song: we "always try to be everything to everyone." The problem with this is that we simply cannot be everything to everyone. Also, in trying to do so, we tend to neglect our own needs. We forget to eat (or do not eat very healthy - I cannot tell you how many times I have stuffed a drive-thru burger in my mouth while driving because I did not have time for a "real" meal), we can never seem to find the time to exercise, we cannot remember the last book we read that didn't rhyme.
The backpack was just the straw that broke my proverbial back. You go for so long doing everything for everyone else at the expense of your own mental, emotional, and sometimes physical health. As a counselor, we often remind people of the rules of being on an airplane. In the event of an emergency, apply your own oxygen mask before attempting to assist anyone else. You must take care of yourself before you are even capable of taking care of others.
You are not selfish for wanting to have some alone time. Your family will not suffer if you lock yourself in your room and read for an hour (unless you have no one else to watch them. In which case, please make sure the knives and bleach are out of reach first). And, if you find yourself feeling like a failure sometimes, cut yourself some slack and remember: if everyone is still alive at the end of the day, you did a good job!
Now, time to take my own advice. I am booking a massage!
Please feel free to share any insights or wisdom you have for moms (or dads) who are feeling overwhelmed.
